Oh boy. I am going to start here by assuming positive intent and assume that your struggle here, Lindz, in identifying your place in the race conversation, because you probably both hate the racist history of this country, while also feeling wronged by your inheritance of being on the wrong side of it just because of the color of your skin. It really sucks to be defined by something you can’t help doesn’t it? And maybe we women, white and black, are lucky that we at least get the reprieve of knowing that that concept of relegating a human to a “truth” because of how they look was invented and handed off to us by selfish-ass white men if yore who just wanted to bask in their mediocrity while maintaining all the power. “Thanks, dudes. You screwed us all up for centuries”
Gloria Steinem (you know, one of the biggest voices for feminist advancement in modern history?) recently said Black Women have always been the most marginalized in this country while also relentlessly fighting for all of our liberation, especially in the world of women’s suffrage. Do you know why she might say something like that? Well, I’ll tell you: It is documented. Extensively. The sad fact is, it is documented from that time period, by the white press, quoting the words of the white women who betrayed their sisters the second their own opportunity for advancement was obstructed by another advancement. And the sadder part is this was seen as a valid “course of action” in a respectable conversation around activism cause being racist, using race to judge and insult a human, was completely acceptable. None of them hid this blatant rage they felt of seeing black men ranked above women in general. No magically literate black person’s fake account of history outranked the dominant mainstream belief of our past over the actual words of the powerful of the time. (Which goes to show that if the patriarchy invents a sexist/racists system, it will always make sure the patriarchy wins first and foremost) So what Hollie is saying here, in this context, is factual, and easy to find through credible sources.
Maybe Hollie’s method of communicating with you was a little accusatory, a touch presumptive, and angry, but here is how I see it, as a white woman in America: Being a black woman all day, everyday is generally degrading if not dehumanizing, and that sounds painful and exhausting. And when someone has to deal with that much burden or pain all the time, I think they get some passes for reacting in a self-protective manner. She has so many reasons to be hurt and angry. And she should get to have a platform to express her hurt and anger, cause that’s how humans cope, and process pain.
Have you ever had a family member or ex, sibling or friend, that never acknowledges your emotions? That dismissed a sincere expression of hurt as inferior to their own experience? That immediately responds with “What about how I feel?”
I have a few of those, and damn, is it counter productive.
How about first let’s unpack the pain this article is expressing, acknowledge it, find some way to put some salve on the wound — then if we want to have a constructive, if not difficult, conversation about the muddy unfairness of it all, and the residual deep suffering we all experience from this history left for us to clean up, then great. But there is a time and a place. Why can’t someone else just have a minute to say, “man it sucks to be at the intersection of numerous types of marginalization” and “talking about how much this sucks always earns the ire of our would be allies” without someone saying they are discriminating in identifying their own experience of discrimination? How fucking absurd and ironic do we really want to get with our deflection here?
My biggest heartbreak in this country is that right now, being called a racist ranks worse than acting like one. Saying, “oh wow, I see how I may be blind to a well established systemic privilege I have inherited and thus acted in a way that perpetuates racist ideology” is somehow more painful than actually BEING someone who judges and hurts others, who allows for and accepts the oppression of others just by the basis of their appearance
How is the label is worse than the action itself? How is that acceptable to any decent person?
This is probably why I hate the word racist. It has been turned into a slur instead of a tool. And it falsely equivocates both those of privileged ignorance with the white supremacists — who are not the same thing.
I am going to assume that you are not a white supremacist, Lindz. You probably don’t even think about the color of people’s skin enough day to day to even be a “proactive racist” so its fair that the word might “offend” you. I get it, it SUCKS being defined by the way we look and one little disagreeable thing we say or do (like maybe taking a knee during an anthem)
But, Black Women are not allowed to be anything other than Black Women in this country — and they are reminded of it constantly: at home w their spouses, in the public, at school, at work, in the makeuo aisle ay the Walgreens... They can’t escape the constancy of being boiled down to a race and gender, or worse, being omitted entirely — so when they talk about racist or complicit behavior they are talking about your extremely fortunate ability to tune out race in your day to day and then your audacity in stating that race shouldn’t even be a thing. How Marie Antoinette. Let them eat cake, indeed.
I think we are here, in this moment of time, in America, where rage bubbles just under the surface — to quote our President, “On both sides” — cause the civil rights movement happened, upturned some painful realities and then everyone hoped we could just say it was fixed and tune out race. We are post race! Our work is done here!
500 years of programming, sadly, does not go away with “smarting” it away. “I can admit racism is wrong so now I can’t possibly be racist” doesn’t work.
The brain doesn’t work that way. [ref Think Fast and Slow] Ingrained instinctive behavior outweighs cognition.
And to whatever you are going to say in argument of that last statement, consider this: I am the child of immigrants (don’t worry, they are legal, and pay taxes) — we come from a part of the world that isn’t quite european and isn’t fully middle eastern, but does not have a historical involvement in this black/white racial system. I grew up admiring MLK and gawking at our American History lessons in school. And yet, through the saintly patience of my closest friend in HS (who happens to be black) was talked through and taught to unpack all the racist assumptions I would make daily. I still do it. I still catch myself. That is ONE generation in this country and the system has done its job and infiltrated my subconsious. 36 years of exposure is all it took for me to be unwittingly complicit — even as an educated self perceived active liberal and black ally.
I think you should look into Brenee Brown, who talks about shame and how it makes us into the people we don’t actually want to be. Start easy: she has two Ted Talks.
While Black America has inherited generations on generations of PTSD, White America has inherited generations on generations of deep seeded shame. The truth of our History hurts both sides, and the anger and defensiveness White America feels is just shame, doing it’s job deflecting and blaming to avoid processing the pain and deep sorrow that lurks just under the surface.
The system wants to pit black against white and men against women, cause as long as we keep blaming each other for shit we cannot change, we will defend our actions and avoid changing the shit we can. The system wants us fighting each other so it is never the one we team up to fight. How about we fuck the system and team up anyway, in spite of our differences, disagreements and mixed feelings, cause any improvement has to be better than this. Don’t we want to do better than this?
Deep down, we are empathetic creatures. I am confident we can find a way to lead these conversations with empathy instead of finger pointing.
And this concludes my Thursday morning, impromptu dissertation on “A White Woman’s Pseudo-Intersectional, Pseudo-Intellectual Take on Racial Dialogue in America, And How We Can Stop Letting The DBs of our History Win, and Make America the Greatest it Has Ever Been Together.”
✌🏼